Cockroaches
St. Paul, MN

There are several reasons why the roaches of St. Paul will take over the world. With their super-insect powers, they can easily overcome any crisis more readily than any human can.

1) The rumor’s true. They are resistant to radiation. Mythbusters exposed roaches to different levels of radiation. Only a certain percent survived, but they survived radiation levels that would have killed any human. So if there was a nuclear attack, the roaches will survive.

2) People will starve before roaches run out of things to eat. They will eat about anything—including soap, glue, and paper. Of course, while you’re still around, they are more than happy to scavenge through your food supply.

3) They have pesticide-resistant eggs. Many efforts have been made on the war front to kill these pests, but pesticides won’t affect the eggs. So you’ll take out one generation, but the next will hatch and replace the last battalion. And in the midst of a disaster, they will be able to reproduce and fill the post-apocalyptic world quickly.

4) Cockroaches are disease terrorists. They will poison your food with E. coli and salmonella, and their feces will mix with the dust and trigger allergies and asthma attacks.
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5) Roaches can live without their heads—for weeks. Not only will the body live, but the head will sit and wave its antennae pleadingly at the world until it finally dies. But if you (for some bizarre reason) decide to put it in the fridge and give it a bit of food, it could live longer.

A cockroach infestation isn’t going to be easy to get rid of. Because of their endurance, you may never find a way to defeat them on your own. Call a professional. He will know how to drive them from your home without nuclear warfare.